Juan Pierre's hitting .260 this year. Considering he has less power than Rey Ordoñez after a hunger strike, that's not going to get it done. -- Jonah Keri, ESPN
You know when a dietetics student is poor when she opens up a loaf of banana bread from her mom and realizes that it was made with Splenda, and because of this she's sad b/c it has less calories to keep her full! -- Steph, in an email
In the last 30 days, I've only spent $14 on eBay! -- Mom, surprised
BVKitty13: adios. go trojans.
Sub4MinuteMile: you misspelled longhorns.
Mom: That guy's last name is really Dingle?
Dad: Yep, know who his brother is?
Mom: Is it Berry? ... Get it? Dingleberry!
When we were little, I used to hate it when Meghan came in from playing because she smelled like the outdoors. -- Steph
Stangs316: If Wilbrand ever opened a facebook account, I think their server might crash from all the requests.
Jenni (frustrated with Adam's procrastination): Go make your god damn ramen!
Adam: I never wanted any ramen. I just wanted you to make it so I could throw it on the ground.
He was 1 for 13 passing with a 7.5 quarterback rating. 7.5! That's lower than a fish's temperature! -- Tony Kornheiser on 49ers QB Cody Pickett's week 10 performance
ahstoll: so what's up with facebook?
bvkitty13: i don't know. whenever i try to view my profile it sends me to the "edit profile" screen and says i don't have a picture.
bvkitty13: even though i obviously do.
ahstoll: send them some hate mail
bvkitty13: [beep]
ahstoll: [beep] ... punch them through the internet
Last time we were in San Francisco, we ran into OJ Simpson. Guess we don't want to run into him (or his knife) again. -- Dad
quenluen: apparently this is the summer of change. two of my best friends are getting/got married. ciaccio's becomin' all holy. bruntz is gonna get hitched.
quenluen: and the biggest worry on my mind is that every ten minutes for the past 2 hours, i've gotten up, went to the fridge, realized there's nothing left to eat, then came back.
BVkitty13: kinda puts everything into perspective, huh?
BVkitty13: people are getting married and here we are worried about cold pepsi.
BVkitty13: and if you need MORE proof that random girls have crushes on me...
BVkitty13: as my dad and I are walking up to our car tonight, a car stops and these two girls ask if we need a ride.
BVkitty13: complete strangers. two girls from arkansas.
Absterdam1: they were actually probably after your dad.
BVkitty13: yeah, because 20 year-old hot girls love balding 60 year-olds.
Earl: So are you a player? [talking to Texas guy with 2 GIGANTIC football bowl game rings]
Texas Guy: No, I'm just a manager.
Texas Guy: Actually, I'm Vince Young. I'm only black on TV.
Dad: That grave over there says the people died in 1865.
Uncle Tim: Too bad for them. They missed the best part of the Civil War.
Absterdam1: "if you were a warp tube, I'd be in you all day."
Absterdam1: that would def. work on me
-- responding to item from McSweeney's list titled "Pickup lines used by Mario"
Kid at baseball game: Is that your girlfriend?
Me: Um, no.
Kid: Oh. Is that your wife?
Me; No. It's my mom.
Actually, I am not totally against steroids in baseball. I really do like seeing guys hit 500 foot bombs and then freaking out like a homophobic dude getting a colonic for the first time (just imagine lots of yelling and screaming because of the 'roids). -- Sage
I would subcontract changing my kids diapers. -- Brian Lehman
I tried having my blog on a dry-erase board at the end of the driveway, but did not get the kind of traffic I wanted. -- Fesser
dingeracm: i, personally am trying to mack on some girls, but it just aint happening
Baseball is just a hobby, it's not a sport. -- Poli Sci prof Patrice McMahon
Brian: Have you ever seen that clay part in the movie Ghost?
Adam: You mean with Bill Cosby?
Brian: (laughing): That's Ghost DAD you idiot!
I'm not gonna beat around the bush, I hate the Pope. -- Brian, clearing up anyone's doubts about his religious leanings
Tell Andy Van Slyke he's right — I'm on the best juice there is. I'm juiced up every day, and the name of my juice is Jesus. . . . Next time you talk to him, tell him the steroid I'm on is Jesus of Nazareth. -- Julio Franco responding to steroid allegations
This guy is my new hero. I also noticed a couple things that he’s not a big fan of: 1) wearing shirts, and 2) good haircuts. -- blogger Robertcat on fitness celebrity John Basedow
Work was so boring today, I was considering robbing myself just to create a little excitement. Let me tell you, my mind works in crazy ways. I bet this how the great thinkers like Plato, Aristotle, and Ghandi got started. They all had boring jobs. -- from Kevin's blog
"For a minute there, I thought we were going to have to bring Jim Ledsome out of his redshirt year," [NU Coach Barry] Collier said. "In the end, I got a little too much caffeine."
Tim: Let's make like a baby and head out.
So, what are you going to buy me for your birthday? -- Jenni, to Adam
Wow, this place is like a rapper's house! -- Chris, entering a Columbia, Missouri McDonalds with an aquarium and GameCubes.
Go ask Personal Jesus if he wants to come to Amigos with us. -- Val
Man, my legs are so tired. It's like I just did 100 pushups. -- Mom
I'm so glad it doesn't snow acid. That would hurt my eyes. -- Chris
I'll punch your face on fire. -- Dad, to Chris
I know a lot of the girls in L.A. smoke pot, but I can’t do that. I would have an asthma attack. -- Lindsay Lohan
We liked the job Ty Willingham did Sunday through Friday. It was Saturdays we have a problem with. -- Notre Dame athletic director
Ned: There was a fire on her face and someone put it out with a rake.
"Get a life, you freaking losers!" yelled another passerby. -- from MSNBC story about Halo 2 lines at Toys R Us in Times Square.
I'd be dead if I had gone to White Castle. -- Morgan Spurlock, Super Size Me director
Ye who waits loses. -- Mom
"I thought Gary Sheffield was a white guy. That's a white name." -- Mom
Lemme ask you something ... why does MLB ban HGH and steroids, yet they allow a surgery for blown-out elbow tendons that gives the pitcher a stronger, faster, more durable arm? What's the difference? Please explain. -- Bill Simmons
Sports Gal: "Why is A-Rod wearing purple lipstick?"
Sports Guy: "That's not lipstick ... his lips are blue from kissing Jeter's butt."
"Rodney Dangerfield gets no respect from the Grim Reaper" -- Defamer headline
LSU Student: Hey, Shaq, would you ever make a sequel to Kazaam?
Shaq: Only if I could do a love scene ... with your mother."
Who are the D'Backs? -- Stephanie, mispronouncing D-Backs like a contraction while reading the sports ticker.
Large: You collect Desert Storm trading cards? So do you have the whole set?
Mark: Nah, not yet. The corners are bent on my Friendly Fire and someone stole my Wolf Blitzer.
Jim Abbott just single-handedly took over that game. -- Brian, watching ESPN Classic
Adam: I have the metabolism of a turtle, and my stomach processes like an ox.
You guys are probably all sitting there wondering, Why is Johnny Canuck teaching us American Lit? -- Derek Driedger, Canadian English prof
Your brother would be way too exciting for me. I need someone boring. -- Stephanie, on dating Chris
TBMutiny: sounds like we're gonna go catch Super Size Me.
BVKitty13: Drink a pop before you go because sugar and fat will be your enemies afterward.
TBMutiny: good cuz we've been hanging out way too much lately.
Snoop Doggy Dog and Dr. Dre were revolutionaries because they pioneered the wearing of blurry things in music videos. -- Jake Fogelnest, I Love the 90s
Oh, what a moment. -- Kenny Mayne, as he hugged my mom.
Wouldn't it be cool if you were born on your birthday? -- Danny
Jeannie: "OK, sir, follow me and I'll take you upstairs to talk to the referee." (Standard BOE practice)
Protester: "Wow, that is the first time a beautiful girl has ever asked me to go upstairs with her."
You know, you'd be a much better golfer if you spent less time with my daughter and more time with your putter. -- Pat Connolly
Area code 68111 officially has the highest infection rate of gonorrhea and chlamydia in the country. -- Uncle Tim, at the cemetery on Memorial Day.
Jesus was ripped. Look at his abs. He didn't have the "man V" though. -- Chris, also at the cemetery
I get better cell phone service here than I do at work. -- Ned, in Wisconsin
Shane: Hey, Mary-Kate, wanna do it next week once you turn 18?
[*young Olsen twin voice, thumbs up*] You got it, dude.
Dad (seeing concert poster outside Spaghetti Works): Hey Suz, we should check out that Liquid Static show next weekend.
Mom: Oh, don't worry, I already bought tickets.
Sometimes, I like B.O. It smells like a Mexican dinner. -- Blair
BVKitty13: if barry bonds continues his pace, he will finish the year with 820 homeruns...putting hank aaron to shame.
TBMutiny: he's no alex gordon.
BVKitty13: no, that he is not.
TBMutiny: but who is?
TBMutiny: besides us.
BVKitty13:
softball!
TBMutiny: I like to call it baseball junior.
Your opinion is irrelevant because these films were not made for your entertainment. -- Film Professor John Talbird
If all blind women were as hot as her ( Audrey Hepburn in 1967's "Wait Until Dark" ) I'd start dating them. -- Adam
What's so wrong with a little nipple on a cold winter's night? -- Norman Chad, TV critic
Boise, Idaho is not exactly the cultural capital of the world. -- Professor Potter
Ned: Girls are like parking spaces....they're either taken or handicapped.
[Abbey is doing a crossword...CLUE: "Event attended by Cinderella" ( 4 letters )
Abbey: "She went to the ball, right?"
Ben: "Yeah..."
Abbey: "But it's only four letters long."
( stunned silence )
In water polo, how do they get the horses in the water? -- (person to remain nameless)
Ben: Why is it wet between my legs?
"You're lookin' at the black Warren Buffett." -- Jay-Z
"The first time I saw the Matrix, I was momentarily homicidal towards Keanu Reeves. I would have been great if would have been able to play Neo. But I think I was in the pen at the time." -- Robert Downey, Jr.
Abbey: "Vermont's in Oregon, right? Oh, no, wait... Isn't Vermont a state?"
Jenni: "...No, because that wouldn't be fair to Ben."
Adam: "Since when is it about fair-iosity?"
Kilie: "Have you seen that show 'Average Joe' on TV?
Abbey: "You mean the one with all the fat guys?"
Fat guy on elevator: "Hey!"
Adam (at 4:38 a.m.): I can't sleep. I'm making a hot dog.
Letting Windows users have iTunes is like letting all those white trash golf fans into the course on Happy Gilmore. It just lowers the standards. -- Ben
Jenni (to paramedic with stretcher in Abel elevator): THAT doesn't look good.
Paramedic: Well, we're not the coroners, so it can't be THAT bad.
Alipete10KU: dear lord, have you SEEN THE [Urban Outfitters] CATALOG? that store is raping me of all my money.
I know you're destined for greatness. -- Sheri to Slater on Fraternity Life.
Cooking is a thing I took on to become a woman. -- Jessica Simpson
It's all dark outside and now the tornado's comin' and you don't have a basement...Ooops, and now the shorts are getting brown. -- Professor Kopplin
I will not fail or disappoint you, Cullyfornia. -- Arnold.
TBMutiny: I like to call David Justice Captain Obvious
BVKitty13: yeah.
BVKitty13: notice how his career totally fell off the face of the earth after the split with halle berry?
BVKitty13: and she went up, up up?
BVKitty13: i just think that's interesting...
BVKitty13: he never recovered.
TBMutiny: he needs to get dumped again then, so his announcing career falls off the face of the earth
You took the elevator while we walked up 11 flights of stairs?! BULLPLOP. -- Andy